Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
