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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.